More better ways to spend money

Well, for some reason the Federal government declined to pay me $20 million to notify everyone that their rebate checks are coming in May, even though my bid was for half the actual cost.

It was a long shot, anyway. But my latest idea is one that personally I think deserves a long look from the Department of Homeland Security: pay me that same $20 million to build a virtual border security system that doesn't work.

I have a fair amount of programming experience, so I'm guessing I could probably design and implement an inoperable system for closer to $10 million. But you know what they say, you have to pay if you want quality non-functional work. And I guarantee I'll put in the extra time to make sure the thing fails to meet the customer's needs. You can count on that.

So when do I start?

My rebate is coming, my rebate is coming!

And I can't wait. But it doesn't look like too many people are following my suggestions as to what to do with the money.

According to USA Today, almost half the people who expect to get a rebate are planning to do something unpatriotic, like pay bills with it, while another 30+ percent are thinking about saving the money or buying completely unhelpful items such as groceries.

But it's not too late to change your mind, so I have a new idea that will certainly stimulate the economy -- buy an island! Sure, the cost is a tad more than your rebate will be, but wouldn't it be worth it?

But when you go shopping, please remember to buy an island inside the borders of the old U.S. of A. The President's plan will go all to hell if you go off and purchase some archipelago in Fiji, so keep your eye on the ball when you're hitting the shops.