Monday, March 10, 2008

Economically stimulating

The President addressed the nation on Friday and again emphasized how important it is that we all spend those tax rebates we won't get for another two months. And as you probably know, I'm right there with him. But just in case there's somebody out there who hasn't been listening to me and the President, the IRS is planning to send out letters announcing the economic stimulus plan and alerting us taxpayers to expect that rebate check in May. The mailing will cost a cool $42 million.

Now, I'll be first in line to agree how critical it is for them to make this announcement. I mean, I'm constantly mistaking those fancy envelopes with a return address of "U.S. Treasury Department" and the words "Check Enclosed" in big red letters for junk mail. Then I throw them out. But this time if that happens, I won't be able to keep the nation out of recession by spending my $300. Disaster, right? Actually, thinking about it, they'll probably have to spend another $42 million in May, in case I forget. You can't be too careful with things like this.

Except don't you think the Government could do something a little more productive with that $42 million? Like give it to me? In fact, just to show I'm a good guy, I'll give the Feds a 50% discount -- I'll spread the word for the bargain basement price of $21 million. Seriously, I won't charge a dime more. In fact, I'll start right now: you'll all be getting a check in two months. See that, I even used italics. Did everyone get the message? Raise your hand if you didn't and I'll figure out another way to give you the news.

Mr. Treasury Secretary, you can wire the funds directly into my checking account. And don't worry, Mr. President, I promise I'll spend the money.

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