Saturday, March 15, 2008

Dial it up

The President is dialing up the rhetoric on the terrorist surveillance bill, which gives me a wonderful opportunity to quote myself.

OK, I wasn't going to but I have to ask

People are still talking about Eliot Spitzer, and the question I hear most is what could the call girl possibly do that's worth $4,500 an hour? Granted, the top tier athletes and actors get paid that kind of money. Clearly we're dealing with the A-Rod of hookers. (Insert your own A-Rod joke here.) Except the employers of top tier athletes and actors get to sell tickets to people who want to see them perform. For the moment, at least, let's assume that option wasn't open to Governor Spitzer. So what does this woman provide that's that much better than what you get from a $100 an hour prostitute? After great sex will she replace the roof tiles on the Governor's mansion? Simonize the family car?

But I say the people who wonder why she's worth $4,500 an hour are asking the wrong question. What they ought to ask is: if you weren't going to miss the money, wouldn't you want -- no, wouldn't you need to find out?

Monday, March 10, 2008

Economically stimulating

The President addressed the nation on Friday and again emphasized how important it is that we all spend those tax rebates we won't get for another two months. And as you probably know, I'm right there with him. But just in case there's somebody out there who hasn't been listening to me and the President, the IRS is planning to send out letters announcing the economic stimulus plan and alerting us taxpayers to expect that rebate check in May. The mailing will cost a cool $42 million.

Now, I'll be first in line to agree how critical it is for them to make this announcement. I mean, I'm constantly mistaking those fancy envelopes with a return address of "U.S. Treasury Department" and the words "Check Enclosed" in big red letters for junk mail. Then I throw them out. But this time if that happens, I won't be able to keep the nation out of recession by spending my $300. Disaster, right? Actually, thinking about it, they'll probably have to spend another $42 million in May, in case I forget. You can't be too careful with things like this.

Except don't you think the Government could do something a little more productive with that $42 million? Like give it to me? In fact, just to show I'm a good guy, I'll give the Feds a 50% discount -- I'll spread the word for the bargain basement price of $21 million. Seriously, I won't charge a dime more. In fact, I'll start right now: you'll all be getting a check in two months. See that, I even used italics. Did everyone get the message? Raise your hand if you didn't and I'll figure out another way to give you the news.

Mr. Treasury Secretary, you can wire the funds directly into my checking account. And don't worry, Mr. President, I promise I'll spend the money.

The time has come

My fellow Americans, the time has come to stand up for what is right and remove from power a man who has controlled his country with an iron fist for nearly a decade. This man controls a vast cache of weapons of mass destruction, and has misused his power to invade foreign, sovereign nations with no legitimate justification other than his extreme religious beliefs. This man has, once again, affirmed his support of torture, in defiance of international condemnation. Fellow citizens, it is time for regime change.

Actually, now that I think about it, the official time for regime change is November 4, 2008, when the President will finally be replaced. Have a great day.